5. 7. 2012

**NOTE** I started this blog because I wanted to be able to say things that I didn't want parts of my family reading. I wanted to be able to speak about things that happened, that I knew they would never read. It's been so long since I've written here, because I used it to write truth and how God was using me. I haven't spoke spoken about about God in a few years, because I wasn't sure he was there.  I was convinced I was too broken, and I let others tell me that lie. I'm gonna move forward. I'm gonna continue to share my life through this blog. Today's post is a flash back to the worst day of my life. It's an inside to how truly broken I was, and how well I was able to hide it; like most things, from the family I never wanted to read this blog.

I remember every detail from that day. It was just another Monday in college, and I went to work at 6am and I would be in the kitchen till about 1pm that day. I remember I was on lunch dish duty. I didn't mind it because I got to put my headphones in and ignore the world. My mom tried to call my while I was in the dish room. I sent her an automated text back that I was busy. Then the call came from my brother, and I ignored that too. Just a little after noon that day, I got a text from my sister saying "Holly, I'm so sorry." That was it, it was simple. I knew immediately something was wrong. I stepped outside, and called my mom back. I didn't have to say a word, she was crying and all I got heard was, "He's gone. Holly your Uncle David is gone." I lost my shit. Not even kidding you I tried to run away from it, I got across the street from our parking lot and I couldn't breathe. My body was being crushed by so much pain. I remember looking down the street just thinking no, no, no. I've never been that broken in front of anyone. I don't let those parts of me show. So when my suitemate saw me she didn't know what to do to help. She called my best friend, and I just remember her holding me on the sidewalk and I wept.That was the end of that day for me. I didn't go to class, I don't remember talking to anyone else. I hid in Shannon's room. I didn't even answer my phone when my family called. I made an awful choice following this day. I didn't want to be around my family that weekend; so I went off to the lake with friends, and ignored all my pain.

Uncle David was my biggest hero. He was my male role model growing up, and he was the one guy who I knew always had my back. When we died, we weren't talking. I was so mad at him. A few months earlier we were talking on the phone and he told me I was going to turn out just like the rest of my family. I was not going to amount to nothing, and I wasn't following my own route. I was pissed he would think so little of me. I know he was trying to push me into being the best me, and to follow my dreams, but I'm too stubborn to admit that he was right. That was the last conversation I had with him. That's a conversation I can't forget. That's a conversation that motivates me for ever. I know he'd be proud of me. I know that he would tell me I'm doing good, but I'll never hear it from him. I'll never hear his voice again.

I can't explain the hurt that this day carries with me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to word the emotions the way I feel them. I hoped that writing out my memories would help sort the feelings. I hoped by sharing this it would remind me of the impact Uncle D has on my life.

My silver lining....it's hopeful

I should be showering...or sleeping because I work stupid early and I've been in the sun all day today. But, this is important to me and I want to share it.

Brittani and I have had a shitty storm hit us lately. We are looking for a place to live, a cheaper place while I can go to school and it hasn't been easy. On top of that, a 15 year old totaled our car. It wasn't a great car, but it was our only daily driver. So now we are unsure of where we will be living in August, unsure of how we'll be getting around, and on top of it...I'm wanting to go back to school and we're unsure of how we're going to pay for it. Like I said, we're having a shitty storm hit our life. Here's what my thoughts are...this isn't the worst thing I've ever faced. It's not going to be the hardest thing that Britt and I are going to face. We don't know the outcome, we can't predict what's gonna happen in this coming month, but we know we'll be okay. 

Tonight as I was driving from wamego to Manhattan, and there was a storm that had just passed to the south of us, and I look and see some clouds with a beautiful silver lining. I've heard that phrase a million times, and I've never ever thought that maybe I could see a silver lining. I can't see this one, but I can feel it. Like feel that this situation is going to have a hopeful ending. I'm excited for it. Just waiting it out sucks. 

"I'm coming out"

Sunday October 10, 2015

was the first day my girlfriend and I told anyone we were dating. We were staying at her parents house, and earlier that night we attended one of her best friend's weddings. So obviously there were a lot of feelings in the air and we couldn't hide all of them! Especially from her brother and his girlfriend. I mean, you try attending a wedding where everyone around you is kissing, dancing and expressing love while you sit in silence with the one you're dating. It was not exactly ideal.

      That night I thought I was going to be going to bed early, but Britt walked in and said that Ry wanted to talk to us..."I THINK HE KNOWS!" I hopped out of bed, with some liquid encouragement, and I was ready to finally tell someone about why my life had become so happy! Telling Ry was no big deal.  He was supportive, encouraging, and convinced us that we could tell Britt's parents without any hate from them. Ry and Sarah were right. Once we told Britt's parents the next morning, they hugged us and told us they were extremely happy that we were happy. It was the second-best moment of my life! Someone now knew, and it could only get better from there...right!? 

     Britt and I have only been together for 15 months, and since telling her family a year ago we have experienced so truly great moments together. But we have had our fair share of tough times too. 

      We met how I always planned on meeting the one I would spend the rest of my life with; we met in church. We have a HUGE heart to serve God, a want to help others. and a desire to spread love. I could probably say without a doubt in my mind, that that is our life goal. We never expected to end up in a relationship together.  At the time we became good friends I was crushing on a guy who I served in ministry with. Her and I would talk about it, and she was always supportive of it. 

      As I left the state for the summer, Britt and I grew closer. It wasn't until much later that I had a thought about her in a romantic way. You can imagine the pressure I felt with those feelings. "Are they real?" "God, what is your plan with this?" "Can I make this work with what I want to do with my life?" "God, did I do something against you?" "Are you still using me the way you want too?" I can't say that to start I was happy with these feelings, but I was definitely okay with them. Britt made me happy, and I didn't want to lose that feeling. I needed her, but who knew God would be pulling her heart in the same way!? CRAZY.

      We aren't even fully "out of the closet". For some reading this, it will be confirmation of the gossip you've been hearing. I'm fully aware that some people are going to walk out of my life, but most people that I was afraid to lose in the beginning of this have already walked away. So staying "in the closet" is only hurting us. It's only hurting the story that God could be using us for. I've done a lot with my life, but until Britt came into it I never had support like I do now. Most of my friends I was scared of telling but now know have already done one of two things: One - They walked away knowing I still loved them, or...Two - They've stayed and continued to love me for me. Either way I am happy, and I am 100% positive that God is using Brittani and I in a bigger way than we could ever imagine. 

      Advice: I know that I probably have friends who are in a similar situation. Friends who are creating their own coming out stories. Friends who are terrified, trying to figure it all out. Trying to figure out who they are. It's not easy, not even close! It's terrifying and will more than likely make you physically sick. Some people who you share this with are going to react exactly like you thought they would. Some will shock you in a multitude of ways. The love I share with Britt is more than worth it. I've had a strong support system created around me. Did I ever have feelings for other girls? No. I don't think I did. If I did it was nothing like the feelings I have for Britt. 

     When we told Britt's parents, Britt was super nervous so I kind of just spit the words out for her. I don't know if they were really shocked, but I do know that it didn't change anything. Afterwards, Ry and Sarah walked into the room playing "I'm coming out" and that helped lighten the weight off our shoulders. :) 

Telling my mom was different. I told her just a week later. I remember it was raining and I walked her out to her car. I stood there and hugged her...then the words just came out of my mouth. As she held back her tears, she hugged me telling me that she was happy if I was happy. It's probably been a little harder on my family, but they love me so I know that I can count on them to continue to love me and grow with me. 

No, it hasn't been easy and it's not all butterflies and rainbows. BUT it has been worth it. Why would I share the bad, when we have so much good to look forward to? Coming out is a beautiful experience. It should be a good thing! 

Thank you to all of our support team! Friends, family, strangers...we love and appreciate you all so much!