"I'm coming out"

Sunday October 10, 2015

was the first day my girlfriend and I told anyone we were dating. We were staying at her parents house, and earlier that night we attended one of her best friend's weddings. So obviously there were a lot of feelings in the air and we couldn't hide all of them! Especially from her brother and his girlfriend. I mean, you try attending a wedding where everyone around you is kissing, dancing and expressing love while you sit in silence with the one you're dating. It was not exactly ideal.

      That night I thought I was going to be going to bed early, but Britt walked in and said that Ry wanted to talk to us..."I THINK HE KNOWS!" I hopped out of bed, with some liquid encouragement, and I was ready to finally tell someone about why my life had become so happy! Telling Ry was no big deal.  He was supportive, encouraging, and convinced us that we could tell Britt's parents without any hate from them. Ry and Sarah were right. Once we told Britt's parents the next morning, they hugged us and told us they were extremely happy that we were happy. It was the second-best moment of my life! Someone now knew, and it could only get better from there...right!? 

     Britt and I have only been together for 15 months, and since telling her family a year ago we have experienced so truly great moments together. But we have had our fair share of tough times too. 

      We met how I always planned on meeting the one I would spend the rest of my life with; we met in church. We have a HUGE heart to serve God, a want to help others. and a desire to spread love. I could probably say without a doubt in my mind, that that is our life goal. We never expected to end up in a relationship together.  At the time we became good friends I was crushing on a guy who I served in ministry with. Her and I would talk about it, and she was always supportive of it. 

      As I left the state for the summer, Britt and I grew closer. It wasn't until much later that I had a thought about her in a romantic way. You can imagine the pressure I felt with those feelings. "Are they real?" "God, what is your plan with this?" "Can I make this work with what I want to do with my life?" "God, did I do something against you?" "Are you still using me the way you want too?" I can't say that to start I was happy with these feelings, but I was definitely okay with them. Britt made me happy, and I didn't want to lose that feeling. I needed her, but who knew God would be pulling her heart in the same way!? CRAZY.

      We aren't even fully "out of the closet". For some reading this, it will be confirmation of the gossip you've been hearing. I'm fully aware that some people are going to walk out of my life, but most people that I was afraid to lose in the beginning of this have already walked away. So staying "in the closet" is only hurting us. It's only hurting the story that God could be using us for. I've done a lot with my life, but until Britt came into it I never had support like I do now. Most of my friends I was scared of telling but now know have already done one of two things: One - They walked away knowing I still loved them, or...Two - They've stayed and continued to love me for me. Either way I am happy, and I am 100% positive that God is using Brittani and I in a bigger way than we could ever imagine. 

      Advice: I know that I probably have friends who are in a similar situation. Friends who are creating their own coming out stories. Friends who are terrified, trying to figure it all out. Trying to figure out who they are. It's not easy, not even close! It's terrifying and will more than likely make you physically sick. Some people who you share this with are going to react exactly like you thought they would. Some will shock you in a multitude of ways. The love I share with Britt is more than worth it. I've had a strong support system created around me. Did I ever have feelings for other girls? No. I don't think I did. If I did it was nothing like the feelings I have for Britt. 

     When we told Britt's parents, Britt was super nervous so I kind of just spit the words out for her. I don't know if they were really shocked, but I do know that it didn't change anything. Afterwards, Ry and Sarah walked into the room playing "I'm coming out" and that helped lighten the weight off our shoulders. :) 

Telling my mom was different. I told her just a week later. I remember it was raining and I walked her out to her car. I stood there and hugged her...then the words just came out of my mouth. As she held back her tears, she hugged me telling me that she was happy if I was happy. It's probably been a little harder on my family, but they love me so I know that I can count on them to continue to love me and grow with me. 

No, it hasn't been easy and it's not all butterflies and rainbows. BUT it has been worth it. Why would I share the bad, when we have so much good to look forward to? Coming out is a beautiful experience. It should be a good thing! 

Thank you to all of our support team! Friends, family, strangers...we love and appreciate you all so much! 

Just because I'm not there doesn't mean I don't care.

Over the past year there have been a lot of changes in my life, and I just want you to know that just because I'm not there anymore, doesn't mean I don't care.

I had to do what was best for me. For some that's hard to understand. I had to leave parts of my life that I loved, because I loved them more than I should have. I was over invested, and not giving life the attention it needed. I was running myself thin and losing myself in all the rambles. I was no longer who I wanted to be, but that doesn't mean I no longer care.

I made my decisions fast, like ripping of a bandaid. I can promise you it hurt me more than it did you. You were important to me, and I still care.

But I can't be there, and I can't go back. I can't put myself back in that vulnerable place. I've healed, and I'm happy.

My life has never had more meaning then it does now. My life has never seen this kind of happy. Yes I miss you and I miss being there, but I'm happy. I can see that you're happy too. Which is helpful to me because I know I didn't just abandon you.

You're stronger now, you've built yourself up to become the strong individual you are. I'm happy for you. I'm happy to see you moving mountains and taking leaps of faith you wouldn't of a year ago. You're strong, and I didn't make you strong. You did. You did it all on your own.

I told you I could no longer be there, but that doesn't mean I still don't care. 💛

To my single mom on Mother's Day

To my single mom on Mother's Day,

You are amazing. I never would have survived the craziest parts of my life without you. You know all my secrets, all my scars, all my fears, you know me better than anyone else.

You raised six kids to your best ability all on your own. All six of us at one point or another doubted that you could do it. Doubted that you had what it took. We doubted that we would get what we wanted. We doubted your love for us. We were young and dumb, and we didn't know all the sacrifices you made for us.

We didn't know that you gave up new clothes that you desperately needed to get us a new pair of basketball shoes. We didn't know that you skipped meals to make sure that we got as much food as we wanted. We didn't know that you working a second job meant that you could pay the bills. We didn't know all the time you spent working and not with us was so that we could have what we needed. We didn't understand that you were trying to make life better for us when we moved away from our friends. We didn't know that you were trying to make life better for us when you kicked dad out. We didn't understand why you took the hits that were meant for us. I didn't understand any of it.

Until now. I now understand why you did everything for us. I now understand why you did all of the things that we couldn't understand when we were young. I now understand that you showed all of us what it is like to love unconditionally. You showed us what it looks like to work hard, to provide, to do whatever it takes to make ends meet.

You have a son, who you showed what it looks like to provide and lead a family. You have a daughter who you showed how to love unconditionally and always take chances. You have another son that you showed to never give up. You have your youngest daughter that you've showed that sometimes making the hardest decisions are the best examples of love.

And you have me. You've shown me unconditional love, you've shown me that it's okay to take my own path, that it's okay to fight for what you love, that it's okay to leave your past behind you. You've shown me what a good mother looks like. You've shown me that I don't have to live a life hiding from things I'm scared of, but to face those fears head on. To never give up. To love everyone, and to live life to the fullest. But most of all you've taught me to never forget where I came from. You've taught me to never forget that when I'm in need, to hit my knees and pray. Pray hard, and trust God.

To my single mom on Mother's Day. You are a true super hero. You are my role model. You are the best example of a mother. You are my best friend, and I thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Happy Mother's Day.