Over the past year there have been a lot of changes in my life, and I just want you to know that just because I'm not there anymore, doesn't mean I don't care.
I had to do what was best for me. For some that's hard to understand. I had to leave parts of my life that I loved, because I loved them more than I should have. I was over invested, and not giving life the attention it needed. I was running myself thin and losing myself in all the rambles. I was no longer who I wanted to be, but that doesn't mean I no longer care.
I made my decisions fast, like ripping of a bandaid. I can promise you it hurt me more than it did you. You were important to me, and I still care.
But I can't be there, and I can't go back. I can't put myself back in that vulnerable place. I've healed, and I'm happy.
My life has never had more meaning then it does now. My life has never seen this kind of happy. Yes I miss you and I miss being there, but I'm happy. I can see that you're happy too. Which is helpful to me because I know I didn't just abandon you.
You're stronger now, you've built yourself up to become the strong individual you are. I'm happy for you. I'm happy to see you moving mountains and taking leaps of faith you wouldn't of a year ago. You're strong, and I didn't make you strong. You did. You did it all on your own.
I told you I could no longer be there, but that doesn't mean I still don't care. 💛
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Saturday, May 7, 2016
To my single mom on Mother's Day
To my single mom on Mother's Day,
You are amazing. I never would have survived the craziest parts of my life without you. You know all my secrets, all my scars, all my fears, you know me better than anyone else.
You raised six kids to your best ability all on your own. All six of us at one point or another doubted that you could do it. Doubted that you had what it took. We doubted that we would get what we wanted. We doubted your love for us. We were young and dumb, and we didn't know all the sacrifices you made for us.
We didn't know that you gave up new clothes that you desperately needed to get us a new pair of basketball shoes. We didn't know that you skipped meals to make sure that we got as much food as we wanted. We didn't know that you working a second job meant that you could pay the bills. We didn't know all the time you spent working and not with us was so that we could have what we needed. We didn't understand that you were trying to make life better for us when we moved away from our friends. We didn't know that you were trying to make life better for us when you kicked dad out. We didn't understand why you took the hits that were meant for us. I didn't understand any of it.
Until now. I now understand why you did everything for us. I now understand why you did all of the things that we couldn't understand when we were young. I now understand that you showed all of us what it is like to love unconditionally. You showed us what it looks like to work hard, to provide, to do whatever it takes to make ends meet.
You have a son, who you showed what it looks like to provide and lead a family. You have a daughter who you showed how to love unconditionally and always take chances. You have another son that you showed to never give up. You have your youngest daughter that you've showed that sometimes making the hardest decisions are the best examples of love.
And you have me. You've shown me unconditional love, you've shown me that it's okay to take my own path, that it's okay to fight for what you love, that it's okay to leave your past behind you. You've shown me what a good mother looks like. You've shown me that I don't have to live a life hiding from things I'm scared of, but to face those fears head on. To never give up. To love everyone, and to live life to the fullest. But most of all you've taught me to never forget where I came from. You've taught me to never forget that when I'm in need, to hit my knees and pray. Pray hard, and trust God.
To my single mom on Mother's Day. You are a true super hero. You are my role model. You are the best example of a mother. You are my best friend, and I thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Happy Mother's Day.
You are amazing. I never would have survived the craziest parts of my life without you. You know all my secrets, all my scars, all my fears, you know me better than anyone else.
You raised six kids to your best ability all on your own. All six of us at one point or another doubted that you could do it. Doubted that you had what it took. We doubted that we would get what we wanted. We doubted your love for us. We were young and dumb, and we didn't know all the sacrifices you made for us.
We didn't know that you gave up new clothes that you desperately needed to get us a new pair of basketball shoes. We didn't know that you skipped meals to make sure that we got as much food as we wanted. We didn't know that you working a second job meant that you could pay the bills. We didn't know all the time you spent working and not with us was so that we could have what we needed. We didn't understand that you were trying to make life better for us when we moved away from our friends. We didn't know that you were trying to make life better for us when you kicked dad out. We didn't understand why you took the hits that were meant for us. I didn't understand any of it.
Until now. I now understand why you did everything for us. I now understand why you did all of the things that we couldn't understand when we were young. I now understand that you showed all of us what it is like to love unconditionally. You showed us what it looks like to work hard, to provide, to do whatever it takes to make ends meet.
You have a son, who you showed what it looks like to provide and lead a family. You have a daughter who you showed how to love unconditionally and always take chances. You have another son that you showed to never give up. You have your youngest daughter that you've showed that sometimes making the hardest decisions are the best examples of love.
And you have me. You've shown me unconditional love, you've shown me that it's okay to take my own path, that it's okay to fight for what you love, that it's okay to leave your past behind you. You've shown me what a good mother looks like. You've shown me that I don't have to live a life hiding from things I'm scared of, but to face those fears head on. To never give up. To love everyone, and to live life to the fullest. But most of all you've taught me to never forget where I came from. You've taught me to never forget that when I'm in need, to hit my knees and pray. Pray hard, and trust God.
To my single mom on Mother's Day. You are a true super hero. You are my role model. You are the best example of a mother. You are my best friend, and I thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Happy Mother's Day.
Friday, September 11, 2015
Suicide Prevention Day
I could share my story with you like it happened yesterday, but it's not about the pain I went through anymore. It's about the love that I found, the love that brought me through the pain. I was 16 when I made my last mark to my body. Still young, but the four years of self-harm were never innocent. I had pain, I had a lot of pain, I wasn't sure if I wanted to live or die, and I had no one to talk to.
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There are stories just like mine and people still hurting, and there are people who believe we just want attention. It was never about attention, no one ever knew my pain, no one ever saw my scars. No one even cared to ask. The stories that no ones shared yet, those are my worst nightmares. Another girl is out there; holding in pain, regret, holding back tears and hiding under a smile.
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Two years ago I met a young girl. I'm gonna call her Jane, and she was trying to hide pain. She was beautiful, peppy, and so many look up to her. But she had scars that she couldn't show. I had a chance to share my story with Jane, I saw her daily. On this day, two years ago I knew that it would be a good day to make an impact. I knew when and where I would run into Jane, so I wrote love on my am. She would know what it meant, and she would understand that I was supporting her. When I saw Jane, she too had written love on her arm.
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Sometimes it's just giving the love and attention to little things. Those who seem to be living life "okay" may also be trying to hide. Our world needs to have open eyes. Our world needs to see the effect that it could be having, and realize the one that it actually has. You, all of us as individuals need to stop living only for ourselves. It's not all about us. Join me, join TWLOHA in showing support today towards others who are hurting, and who have attempted or thought about attempting suicide.
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This is the Love I had written on my arm two years ago.
I now have love permanently written on my arm as a daily reminder to myself, and a great conversation starters with others.
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Romans 5:8
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Speak up. For you or someone else. Check out TWLOHA.
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Don't let silence win.
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